I’m surprised I’m at one of the most sober state of mind, despite the unearthly early day to send my ‘new’ best friend off, with a night of drinks.
To see that there’s seriously too many wants in life to fulfil. But, actually at the end of the day, only a few will matter to the heart. This is when, I foresee, as much as I’m very willing to let some go, it’s gonna hurt, hurt much.

All I need to, is to hypnotise myself that the pain is bearable, nothing different from the past, and I’m gonna be okay. Tonight, I will sleep better.

I would never believe that food can appear at the doorstep, but it happened. I just received $5 McDonald’s vouchers from NUS Chem Eng in the mailbox, and I’m glad I am an alumni for once. =)

I really felt as if I’m surviving those europe days once again. Living on a loaf of bread, vitamin Cs, too poor to even afford a decent meal.

Yet, I’ve gotten free snacks for vday, my first appointment bought me the Starbucks, my tuition kid’s mum cooked me dinner when I don’t have the time to eat.

I ought to be very very thankful. Thankful beyond words. So I survived, not by my own strength, but by God’s grace.

That’s the voice from my heart, from riches to rags to riches and back to rags in my short lifespan. Maybe that’s why I always say I do not need a lot of things, despite portraying myself as one of the most materialistic girl in this world. It totally feels great to be able to give and tithe.

It’s really a terrible attack, and I can’t believe I cried so much until I fell sick, yet miraculously healed by Him in a short one day.

All is better now. I really can’t afford to carry that many burdens any more, and don’t ever want to think/feel in the wrong direction again!

Now I just need a therapeutic shower, SATC 2 episodes, and a good book.

Then I would say that the reverse is true. The most painful things are not felt in the flesh. They exist within the heart.

I’m not sure if there’s another someone out there who feels the same as me.

At at the age of 24, I felt as if I have lived a 40-years, completed one life cycle of going through the darkest times and the most frivolously glorious moments. Comfort can be so deluding that the pleasant recency drives the past to the long-forgotten and non-existent.

But the scariest truth is this, all we need is ONE trigger, and the flashbacks’ gonna hurt like daggers on the heart. And that’s when I realised I’m no different from who I was, ’cause I can never take that step of faith to believe. If that one trigger is enough to drive me back half my life, to witness everything crushing on me and falling apart again, I might not survive the pain. Because the fact is blatant, I could have ended my life then, yet I’m alive, surviving better.

Yes, Satan, you’ve succeeded in letting me see hopelessness, for NOW.

“forgetting all those things which are behind and reaching forward to those things which are ahead.” – Philippians 3:13

Maybe the WAY is to have less. Reassurance was such a deadly need that, instead of craving and seeking, I am forcing myself to undergo some rehabilitation to kill this addiction.

Now that I’m almost out of it. I just need reminders.

Life is good now, perhaps even too comfortable to be at a standstill.

There’s simply too many possibilities and flexibility to be sorted out…

If not, there are too many locks, such that one key is totally not enough…

Too bad.